John is relaxing in his sitting room watching the football; his team miss an open goal and he screams out
“Jesus Christ! I could hit that with my eyes closed, for God’s sake!!”
The doors bursts open and the windows implode, special forces-like men suddenly surround John, but they are not carrying guns, instead they are armed with crucifixes and bottles of holy water. The men, in black military attire, are also clan in priest’s collars.
“On your knees!” screams the Leader of the God-squad.
John, in shock, drops to his knees.
“Now, hands together and don’t you lace those fingers boy, I want to see palm on palm action,” adds the Leader.
“What going on?” asked John, clearly shook up.
“Should I zap ‘em Father?” asks an acolyte.
“Yeah give it to him.” replies the leader.
“Nooooo.” John expects to be shot but acolyte drenches him in holy water from his bottle.
After realising he’s not being riddled with bullet but rather water John looks up and says, “What the Hell is going on?”
“Ah he did it again sir, should I give ‘em another zap?” shouts the over-enthusiastic acolyte.
“Careful with that Father, that bottle’s gotta last all day you know.” Leader.
“Right sir, sorry sir.” Acolyte.
John “Are you guys nutters?”
“Are you aware sir of Ireland’s new Blasphemy Laws passed just last night, while no-one was looking,” says the Leader.
“Let me explain; it is illegal in the State of Ireland to take the Lord’s name in vain,” The Leader opens his reference book, “Did you or did you not speak the Lord Jesus Christ’s name as a blasphemy just a few moments ago?”
“Maybe.” says John.
“Lucky our Swears and Sacrilege detection van was just passing by at the time sir, or you could be in for eternal damnation. As it is you’ll probably get away with crucifixion.”
“Get away with Crucifixion!” says John.
“Don’t start that Monty Python shite with me. Now let’s go through some other suspect activities of yours, shall we sir!”
“All I said was Jesus Christ.” argues John.
“Oh sir, he’s at it again, shall I give him the book.” shouts the acolyte.
“Yeah give him a taste of the book, see how he likes that!” Leader.
The Leader steps back and large Tome is brought forward, John cowers at the site of it and thinks they are going to hit him with it.
The Acolyte opens the book and begins to read like a dyslexic child.
“The words … of Jere…mi…ah, the son of Hi…lki….'ah, of the priests who were in An'…ath…oth in the land of Benj..a…m..in, to whom the word of the Lord came in the days of Josi'…..ah the son of A…mon, king of Ju…dah, in the thir…teenth year of his reign.”
John sits looks complexly perplexed.
“I think he’s had enough.” says the Leader. “Shall we talk about the masturbation then!!?”
“Did you have one off the wrist this morning?” asks the Leader.
“Lost sperm makes baby Jesus cry.” adds the Acolyte.
“Look, you lot are obviously mental, I’m not even a member of the Christian Church.” John
“Heretic!” scream the priests, pointing their fingers down at him. The Acolyte half-hearted throws a few more drops of holy water onto John.
“Stop that.” John.
“You’re only making the punishment worse for yourself,” shouts the Leader.
“Worse than Crucifixion, what are you going to do nail my dog up!!?” John.
“Right,” says the Leader to one of his men, “Get his dog.”
“Now my son, have you any last words before we cart you away for final judgment.” Leader.
“Yes I have actually.” says John calmly, “Why don’t you lot of religious loonies just FUCK OFF.”